killing_jar's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] killing_jar [ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

[19 May 2008|05:13pm] Killing Jar: "A killing jar is a device used by butterfly collectors to contain and ultimately kill their specimen. The use of the word killing jar is used as a metaphor for controlled violence. An emotional relationship snuffed out until it is merely a prized possession or keep sake."

{ 19 } [19 May 2004|07:05pm] ( I answered YES to everything... ) post comment

{ 18 - Blog Entry } [19 May 2004|06:50pm] Our bartender Riley told me about this club on the other side of town that lost their liquor license & closed down. It's a great space and I've been debating whether or not to ask Derrick to come look at it. As much as I love the Dragon's Lair and would hate to leave it, this seems like a pretty good opportunity for all of us. Maybe Cameron could manage it or maybe we'd just have to hire another manager to keep everyone sane. I wouldn't mind something new though. And what makes it even better is that it's competition is Christian Blanchard's club. *smirks* Things have been going pretty good with him since running into him a couple of months ago. We fell right back into the same old routine - sex, drinking, sex and of course the mind games. Did I mention the great sex? I like the guy, I admit it, but will he tame me? Hell no. Do I want him to? Hmm...sometimes I like it when he puts me in my place. heh He's a sexy guy and his confidence rocks my world, there's nothing I find hotter than that. We'd never make it though, we're too much alike. I don't want to sound like a sap but I seriously think I found a best friend in Cam. The guy's a riot and we always have fun together. I don't think I've ever been more of an ass in front of someone that I have sex with. But I dont care and he doesnt seem to care either. We're quite the pair, and I have to say, "HA DERRICK! It didnt complicate things at all!" I am afraid to say that he knows me almost as much as my sister did though, and that's frightening to me. We might be heading to L.A. this summer so he can visit his old stomping grounds, plus, I want to hunt for Tommy Lee. LOL Watch out L.A. After Emily moved out of the guest house I decided to have it renovated and now it's much more modern looking, all new kitchen appliances, fixtures, hardwood flooring and there's even a hot tub out back. I'll be looking for someone to rent it out soon, once I get an ad in the paper. Maybe a guy this time? Haven't talked to Ryan or Patrick much lately. I called Ryan the other day but he was in Jamaica. I told him he should've called me to fly down but when he started answering we lost connection or something. Patrick must be dating or in love *gag* because I haven't even seen him at the casino lately, and usually we'd always find one another at the black jack table. Maybe he went back to New York. Shit, I guess I could just ask his bro. I watched this late night show a few nights ago and the host reminded me of Roarke. I think I'm going to give him a call one of these days. God he's sexy. Billy you can have your pretty Audrey. post comment

{ 17 - Blog Entry } [19 May 2004|06:40pm] I'm not one to be jealous. I'm also not one to want to be in an "exclusive" or monogamous relationship because it seriously makes me wanna hurl. Yet when the guy I want doesn't want me...all I can do is think about him. What the fuck? post comment

{ 16 } [19 May 2004|06:33pm] [ music | "1999" by Prince ] Who: Open to Young!Juniper Where: Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras When: circa 1999 ( Alyx & Juniper - a history ) post comment

{ 15 } [19 May 2004|06:32pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | "Dilate" - Ani DiFranco ] My mind is scattered...pieces of it are here, pieces of it are there...some of it's waaaay over there. I have good days, I have bad days, but it's always to an extreme. There never seems to be a mediocre day. Or maybe there are mediocre days but because they're just mediocre, I create stupid drama to make it one of my bad days. Hmm. I am slowly beginning to lose my mind at work. I love the club, don't get me wrong, but it's just...I don't know. I don't think I am strong enough to work there with Derrick. Ok, I KNOW I'm not. It's this fucking time of year that always gets to me. It should be obvious that he's totally, 100% forgotten about us...what we had and what we shared. And well, I can't deal with it anymore. I think I'd rather not have him in my life than see him everyday...now how screwed UP is that? Cameron's doing a good job though, no, he's doing a great job managing the club! So maybe if I found someone to take my place it wouldn't be a big deal. I don't know why Derrick asked me in the first place to help. It's like some mean joke...like he knows how much it will torture my poor soul to be with him every day. I can't stand it. The office smells like him, like his sweat and his cigarette smoke and his leather jacket. Oh, and I honestly don't want to hear him whine about his frikkin' relationship with that professor again. Ever. It's perfect, so shut up. I know, it's been almost two goddamn years and all we really shared were a few "moments", but still...I want him! Why the constant pining for something? Probably because I can't have it, that's why. And then there're the dreams nightmares that I've had the past couple of nights. About her. Juniper Gulliard...my junebug. Isn't it just perfectly suiting too that outside my bedroom window, all summer long, there has been a junebug colony buzzing their frikkin' heads off? Yeah. Perfect background music to a perfect nightmare about her. Okay, so she looked great at my party...but why the hell was she at my party to begin with? And with Patrick! Now that's a laugh. It seems as if the huge space between her and I just keeps shrinking...but it was bound to happen sooner or later. We run in the same circles usually and have fucked the same people obviously. Slowly but surely we'd come back together...after everyone else in our paths have been knocked down or pushed aside. Patrick mentioned something about her boyfriend and how that she was upset, caught red-handed. Nice Junebug...didn't I teach you anything? To Derrick: think i'm going for a walk now i feel a little unsteady i don't want nobody to follow me 'cept maybe you i could make you happy, you know if you weren't already i could do a lot of things and i do tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you too bad you had to have a better half he's not really my type but i think you two are forever and i hate to say it but you're perfect together so fuck you and your untouchable face fuck you for existing in the first place and who am i that i should be vying for your touch who am i bet you can't even tell me that much To Juniper: out on the porch the fly strip is waving like a flag in the wind you know i really don't look forward to seeing you again soon. you look like a photograph of yourself taken from far far away i won't know what to do i won't know what to say so fuck you... i see you and i'm so perplexed what was i thinking what will i think of next where can i hide in the back room there's a lamp that hangs over the pool table and when the fan is on it swings gently side to side there's a changing constellation of balls as we are playing i see orion and say nothing the only thing i can think of saying is fuck you... Please...the both of you...leave me alone. Get. Out. of. my. HEAD. post comment

{ 14 } [19 May 2004|06:27pm] ( Alyx...a bottle of wine...a jacuzzi...and some fantasies about a certain someone ) post comment

{ 13 } [19 May 2004|06:24pm] Alyx sits outside, on her spacious deck, sipping her strong coffee and flipping through the Times-Picayune. Normally she wouldn't read the newspaper. In fact, Alyx rarely reads anything unless it's a trashy romance novel or the occasional issue of Cosmo. But today was different, today Alyx was flipping through the news to see if her ad was in the classifieds. Yep, Alyx was lonely in that big mansion of her parents, and there were so many rooms, in addition to the guest quarters which Alyx figured she could easily rent out to someone, or a couple if need be. Getting someone to help pay rent wasn't an issue, her parents still kept the servants on payroll for Alyx and they still paid for other things, plus Alyx had money of her own. The issue was, Alyx craved company. As she went through the sections of the paper, a name jumped out at her as she set section A aside. "Juniper Gulliard, you little twat," Alyx says aloud. She tossed the paper aside and pushed bad memories aside of her once friend, once lover. Alyx had been running into her too frequently as of late, and this was just one more reminder of the past. Although Alyx sometimes yearned for the flesh of a women and someone as eager as Junebug was, Alyx hadn't been with a women in two years. Unless you count the shower she took with her ex-roommate, Adrienne. Finally, skimming through the classifieds, she saw her ad. Now, she just hoped someone would call. It got lonely sitting out on the deck, with the gardens surrounding her. This place, although it was Alyx's childhood home, was really beautiful when cleaned up, and it wasn't meant to be lived in alone. If only she had someone who truly cared for her... post comment

{ 12 } [19 May 2004|06:22pm] [ mood | bitchy ] ( Happy Anti-Valentine's Day ) post comment

{ 11 } [19 May 2004|06:21pm] [ music | "Mama I'm Coming Home" ] Alyx had seen it coming. She knew her parents couldn't cope. Even though it had been years ago since Cassandra's death, they never accepted it. They lived in constant denial, sheltered in their spacious Garden District home that had been in the Bordeaux family for three generations. Alyx had always been embarrassed by them, but these last few years it had grown worse. She remembered back to when Derrick followed her home one night and called the place old and dilapidated. A dump. And it was. It is. That's exactly what it had become over the past few years. She was surprised the parish didn't fine them for the way the place had been neglected. And that's why she had to move out...but now she was moving back in. It would be all hers. Overgrown vines, broken shutters and all...everything. Her parents had decided to move to Arizona, as her father put it, "...to relocate someplace less swampy." They didn't take much, since they wanted all brand new, hypo-allergenic things in Phoenix, so most of the antique furnishings were left at the home, much to Alyx's surprise. She sat on a cloth-covered ottoman and cracked open a can of beer. She was in the process of repainting, one of the few actual "chores" she liked doing. As for the cleaning and landscaping and all the other shit that needed to be done - she would hire people to do that. In fact, the window washers had just left and Alyx couldn't believe how bright and sunny it was in the house. post comment

{ 10 } [19 May 2004|06:20pm] Alyx sits at the black jack table with an extra dry martini in one hand and a stack of chips in the other. She's on a roll again...having another winning streak. She holds her hand up and stands. The dealer then reveals the hidden hole card and it's exactly what Alyx was hoping it would be. Again, she wins and takes her stash of chips to the counter to exchange it in for cash. She's done for the night and needs to sit & unwind & have a few more drinks. The casino bar seems like just the right place. She walks by a table of older gentleman, definite high-rollers. She knows she looks good in her form-fitting red dress and strappy high heels and makes sure she makes eye contact with at least two of them. As she saunters into the dark bar, she spots a familiar face. He looks up and sees her too and a devilish smirk appears on his face. Fancy meeting you here... 4 comments|post comment

{ 09 - Blog Entry} [19 May 2004|06:18pm] [ music | No More Keeping My Feet On The Ground - Coldplay ] I need to figure out what to do. Or do I? Do I need to work? Nah. Not really. I have enough in my bank account to get by -- and there's enough in Daddy's account too. My rent's paid, my credit cards are paid, the utilities paid. Even my car is paid, since I bought it cash. So, why is it that someone like me, someone with money to burn, someone who can pretty much have anything she wants...why is it that I am so lonely and unhappy? I guess money doesn't buy happiness. I sure as hell ain't happy. I need a change of pace. Something new. A change of scenery? A vacation? Maybe I should head back to the spa in Switzerland? Or maybe I should try & contact some old friends? Alyx sighs. Or maybe I should just spend a few days & nights drinking myself silly. Ooo, I know. I will go get a new tattoo. A big one. post comment

{ 08 - It's not about the subtle innuendo} [19 May 2004|06:15pm] Fuckin' lighter. Alyx clumsily fumbles with her lighter as she tries to light the half-bent cigarette hanging off of her lips. She spins the sparkwheel over and over again, but the lighter doesn't ignite. Finally frustrated, she tosses the lighter into Bourbon St. and watches groggily as it bounces off someone's sneaker and then meets it's demise as it drops into the sewer. She lifts her head slightly and tries to focus on the lights of the clubs and shops ahead of her. She sways when her heel gets caught on an uneven part of the sidewalk and she puts out a hand in search of some support. But there isn't any, and when Alyx finally realizes this, she turns to the side and sees her beer bottle on the ground. She bends to get it and briefly removes the un-smoked ciggie long enough to take swig. It slides warm and flat down her throat, but she doesn't care. It's booze. She needs booze. Alys follows the commotion ahead of her and begins walking in a not-so-straight line. Her cigarette is still unlit and still hanging from her lips when a stranger approaches her with a lighter. The flame is large and she feels the heat of it against her nose as she leans in. The stranger nods as his date pulls him away. Alone again, she picks the pace up and heads into the first bar she sees. She bumps into the bouncer at the door and after he makes sure he cops-a-feel, he pushes her inside the crowded club. Alyx resists him and presses back, letting him know it's a welcome gesture. She's lonely and drunk and in one of those moods. Again he pushes her in toward the dance floor, and this time, she doesn't resist. Alyx suddenly feels as if she is forgetting something, then remembers that Adrienne and Adam said they would be down in the Quarter tonight...maybe seeing a gig of Adam's or something? Alyx doesn't remember the details and hopes that they forgive her for not being there. It wasn't her fault she ran into that guy from the casino again and they had a quickie, or that she ended up smoking pot with some college-aged frat boys she met at Pat O's. All she knows is that it's not even midnight yet -- and she's already been fucked and she's already drunk as a skunk. The rest of the night can't be that bad. post comment

{ 07 } [19 May 2004|06:11pm] Alyx runs her fingers through her long, blond hair and twists it up off of her neck. It's unbearably hot outside, and has been for days. It reminds her of when she was younger and would come home from boarding school in the summer. She and her sister would braid each other's hair and then tie the two braided strands on top of their heads. She longed for that sort of closeness, but on the other hand, didn't want to share any of those special moments with anyone except Cassandra. Adrienne had been really serious lately with Adam, and Alyx, as happy as ever for her roomie, wondered how soon it would be until they moved in with one another. Speaking of roommates, Alyx had bumped into Vienna Morrow a few nights ago at the club but neither of them spoke a word. Alyx had felt something with Vienna during the brief amount of time she they lived together, and surprisingly, Alyx craved some female attention again. Or perhaps she just craved something she would never have. Her usual one-night stands were nice and pleasing, but there was a part of herself that was beginning to self-destruct. She thought briefly of calling on Ryan, but they had not talked in some time and he would most likely read her face and mood and tease her all night long about being a poor little rich girl. She missed his company though, and he was a very energetic lay, creative and spontaneous & experimented with her. But at the same time, they didn't connect on that level that Alyx needed. Instead of being gloomy and depressed, Alyx sits herself up and drains the last of her lemonade. She walks back into the living room from the balcony and with a plan of attack, heads for the shower. When gloomy and depressed, there's only one place to go. Gambling. post comment

{ 06 } [19 May 2004|05:28pm] [ music | "Unchained Melody" ] It's been four years since her sister's death. Four years since she went to New York City to identify the body. And those four years have been the most confusing, lonely and unbearable years of her life. But this time, as she stands in front of her family's sun bleached tomb, she feels closure – almost more than what she felt last summer when she first discovered the truth. The discovery had come most unexpectedly after a chance meeting, which then led to a surprising rush of emotions and then that one night with him. Derrick. When he told her everything she needed to hear. Alyx touches the stone, thinking about the past year. She glances upward to the kneeling angel statue which prays over the tomb door and tears swell in her eyes. She holds back as long as her heart can stand, but then as she slowly lowers her eyelids, the tears flood down her cheeks. She's crying for what she discovered, for what and whom she misses, and of course...she cries for Cassandra. post comment

{ 05 - Blog Entry } [19 May 2004|05:26pm] [ music | "Me Just Purely" ] Luke's gallery debut was awesome! I only got to talk to him & Davidson for a little while, since Luke was the center of attention. I am so proud of him! I met this guy at the gallery, Ryan is his name. He intrigued me, yet weirded me out. He's unbelievably hot but unbelievably odd. A sandwich short of a picnic if you get what I mean. But then again, who am I to judge? People probably think that about me. Laughs. Ever since returning from Switzerland, I've not been able to get into a routine. Things are very different...haven't seen much of Luke or Davidson, haven't seen or talked to Derrick, and even Adrienne and I are like passing ships in the night. Both of us pursuing new things I suppose... The only two people who I've really hung out with lately are Vic and Lola. I've been helping them both, but Lola especially with the cafe' opening soon and all. And to her surprise, I told her that I would be interested in bartending at her place. So, I've been looking into bartending schools here and will hopefully be starting soon! Speaking of Vic and Lola, I better get ready if I want to be there on time. They've invited me over for dinner and well, I gotta impress the new bosses ya know. Winks. post comment

{ 04 } [19 May 2004|05:25pm] Alyx returns home late in the afternoon from a day of errands. So many things to do, so little time. One of her many stops was to the art gallery where Vienna worked, LaRoque's. The cute owner was away, but Alyx spoke to the art director who confirms that Vienna has not been to work in weeks. Disappointed, worried and somewhat aggravated, Alyx leaves and goes on a therapeutic shopping spree. Clothes, shoes, and lots of sexy new lingerie...for Derrick. As she tried a few of the lacy bras on, she laughed at herself in the mirror, wondering if it was worth it...after all, they never stayed on long when she was with him. Alyx also placed another ad for a roomie. She had felt guilty in a way when she was doing it, but there were three rooms in the apartment, and if Vienna wanted to come back, her room was there for her. While she was out, she made a quick stop at the drug store to grab some personal items. She ran into an old male friend from high school there. They chatted, exchanged numbers and as Alyx walked out, she tossed the number in the garbage can and lit up a cigarette. Finally, Alyx returns home, and when she walks in she throws all of her shopping bags on the couch but keeps the small bag from the drug store looped around her finger. She had a bought a carton of cigarettes and something else...something that made her extremely sick to her stomach to even think about. A pregnancy test. post comment

{ 03 } [19 May 2004|05:22pm] [ music | "Only When I Lose Myself" ~ Depeche Mode ] Why must I always fuck things up? Why? Alyx curled up in bed, emotionally burnt and mentally numb from the days events. After hours of feeling ashamed and depressed, there was one thing...one person who Alyx was thinking of. As much as she liked and cared for Luke, it wasn't him. She hoped their friendship would one day rekindle, but for now, she accepted the fact that she may have lost him for good. It wasn't Davidson. After everything they have been through, she looked to him as an older brother...a kindred spirit. She was hopeful that he and Luke would patch things up, and maybe one day they could all be friends. Maybe. The one who saturated her thoughts, the one who had made her feel undeniably whole was the one person she didn't know if she would ever talk to or see again. Derrick. She didn't need to get intoxicated to kiss Derrick. She didn't need her senses blurred to hold him or to let him fuck her. He intoxicated her enough with his unyielding kisses and his dark, penetrating eyes... But she needed to have that to be with Davidson, that was the difference. She rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling. How would she ever fix this? What could she do to make Derrick understand that it is him she wants...and him she craves... ...and maybe even loves. post comment

{ 02 - Pillow of Your Bones } [19 May 2004|05:21pm] Alyx rose slowly and silently, trying not wake Derrick's lifeless body. She had barely slept. Too many thoughts, too many emotions, tangled in her already tangled mind. She had felt more free than she had ever felt, and she unexpectedly had Derrick to thank for that. The one whom she had once blamed for holding her heart prisoner. He didn't flinch as she moved away from the stillness of his warmth, and he didn't move as she dressed in her clothes, stained by his blood. She watched him as he slept and thought he was the most perfect thing she'd ever seen...wounds, scars, flaws and all. The apartment was quiet as she tip-toed out. No one was home yet. She made her way across town, and as the sun rose, and the new day began it's sleepy awakening, she reached her destination. Her shoes were kicked off, like they always were when she visited her, she could feel the dewy grass beneath her toes. She gazed down at the headstone and her tears were unleashed. post comment

{ 01 } [19 May 2004|05:20pm] Alyx's family was insane, and she needed to get away. Now. After years of putting up with her abusive father and tending to her mentally ill mother, she finally decided to leave. It was guilt that had kept here there so long...and the fact that she was being financially taken care of didn't hurt either. Her work at the tea shoppe and a small inheritance would be enough to get her into a nice apartment, or flat. She had hoped of finding someone to room with and to share the bills, so she decided to put an ad in the local newspaper. She was packing. Drawer by drawer she had emptied and thrown into the suitcases lying all around her room. Then, something caught her eye in the back of the vanity drawer. It was a photograph of her and her twin sister, The day Cassandra left for New York City. Alyx stared at it, her headache beginning it's painful ascent. Tears welled up as she remembered the last time she spoke to her sister. It had been three years ago. Cassandra had always wanted to model, and then finally got the break she was dreaming about. A modeling contract in the Big Apple. Cassandra begged Alyx to go with her, but Alyx knew she should stay home...in New Orleans. They emailed each other constantly, and ran their cellphone bills up sky-high. Then slowly...Cassandra began drifting away...she took longer replying to Alyx's emails...she didn't answer her phone...and the photos Alyx began seeing of her sister in magazines were shocking. Cassandra lost weight. Alot of it. Before Alyx could figure out what was going on, it was too late. Cassandra was doing drugs. Alyx will never forget the late night cellphone call from the hospital. She flew out there immediately, just making it to her sister's side as she slipped into a coma. She had overdosed on heroin. Days later, Cassandra could hold on no more. Alyx's world was split in two. How could she live without her twin? Her best friend? Her soulmate? In a foggy haze, Alyx cleaned out Cassandra's apartment. She saw evidence that there was someone who had been very close to her sister. A man. First she had found the pack of matches from CBGB's with his name and number scrawled on the inside flap; then there were the photos...disturbing images that Alyx had never heard Cassandra mention. Then there was the message on the answering machine. The voice sounding utterly disgusting to Alyx's ears, like liquid sandpaper...smooth yet rough. His name matched that in the matchbook and on the back of the photos... His name was Derrick. post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]